my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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