you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
