dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
