I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
