hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
