yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
