Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
