i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
