Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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