i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
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