i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
