you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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