I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize