please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize