Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
