Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Randomize
