Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
