It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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