Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
