just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize