Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
