I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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