I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Randomize
