I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Randomize
