I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I cannot find my penis.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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