My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
