you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Randomize
