New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Randomize
