Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
false alarm. still invincible.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
