I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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