As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
