she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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