I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
