Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
