this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
