i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
