HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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