walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
