Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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