At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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