I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
