I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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