We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
