Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
