Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
wat bout pragnant strippers??
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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