I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
