hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
