I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
