Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
