did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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