I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize