one two three fourrrrnication!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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