Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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