youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
