Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
