He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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