So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
